Male Sexual Arousal – How Lap Dances and Strip Clubs Affect Male Sexual Desire, Arousal and Behavior


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A man has been lying to his wife. For months he has been secretly going out at night to exotic dance clubs, hobnobbing with strippers, and getting lap dances (which he chooses to believe are “innocent” and “harmless”). He has been enjoying his own secret little world that brings him a sense of sensual arousal and illicit overall body pleasure. He tells himself he is “not cheating.” Inevitably however, after some indefinite amount of time, his wife discovers what he has been doing. To his surprise, dismay and disappointment, his spouse is not so receptive or accepting. She is enraged, furious, hurt, devastated and maybe even feeling and behaving out of control. He may be at risk of losing everything – his marriage, his home, and his family.

At this point, the man often feels, “I’ve got to find a way to turn this around. I am attracted to my wife. I love her dearly. She’s beautiful. She’s been good to me. She takes good care of our children. I don’t want a divorce. I want to find a way to make it up to her. I thought I was being real ‘cool’ going to these clubs. I realize now how immature I was.”

Then, the question arises: Why have you been going to see strippers? Why are you paying for lap dances when you have a beautiful wife at home, who you say you love?

The answer, if the man is being honest, sometimes goes like this. “I’m attracted to my wife, but she expects me to “perform” for her or she expects me to always initiate sex. She thinks I don’t desire her because I have not been so interested in being intimate with her lately. Truth is, I’m sometimes afraid of her. She expects me to always be ready and to satisfy her. Lately, she gets angry if I fall short of her expectations – especially since she knows I have received gratification from some of these other women.”

So what is it about strip clubs, strippers and lap dances that causes some men to eagerly return for more while neglecting his readily available wife who he claims to love?

A typical male response might be: “At the dance clubs, I can relax, be myself, have a few drinks, listen to music and watch some beautiful bodies moving slowly, seducing me into a state of arousal. I might invite one of these beautiful young ladies to my table. She might smile at me, perhaps touching my arm, or whispering something seductive into my ear. She might call me honey or baby, offering to make me feel good if I want to dance with her.”

At home, when it comes to sexual desire, some men will say, “I often feel like a frightened child about to be scolded by his angry mother.” They might share that at the club they have sometimes overheard other men say: “I have to go home and do my old lady,” as if it is some chore or drudgery to get through, instead of the pleasurable experience that true intimacy can be.

What do strippers and exotic dancers do that men are craving but not receiving at home?

First, the man is totally receiving. There is nothing he has to do but be there. The woman does all the flirting and seducing. She moves her body seductively. She may gradually remove some of her clothing. She may arch her back and stick her butt out, “an acceptance position” known to trigger sexual arousal in male mammals. Some strippers will not touch the guys at all, but will come very close to touching the men’s faces with her breasts, her crotch, her butt, etc. However, most strippers will touch and do allow touching, even if they are technically not supposed to. It is all about what will make them the most money. Then there are the special “Champagne rooms.” For a very high hourly fee, a man can spend some time in a very private room with the woman of his choice. Here, she may offer additional sexual favors that she claims to only provide for “special” customers.

Second, the exotic dancer’s goal is to stimulate the man, tease him, act as if he is a master at arousing her, and to continually promise him greater and greater pleasure. She makes no demands, appears to have no expectations of him, and gives him no arguments. But there is also no real back and forth communication (except allowing him to voice his unhappiness and frustrations with his life, his marriage or whatever) and there is no love. Sometimes a man begins to feel “love” for an exotic dancer, but what he love is only the image she is presenting and the way she is pleasing him. He most probably doesn’t have a clue about who she really is.

The truth about exotic dancers is this. The girl is there to: support a habit, support her family, earn some money for a specific goal, or as a quick fix for an uneducated, unskilled woman to earn a hefty sum of money. This is a recession proof business – and it is a business, big business. Men have needs, and when times get tough, these needs are often exacerbated. Some men will seek a way to escape and feel good, even if only for a few hours.

Behind their smiles, erotic movements, and seductive words, many of these women actually feel disgust for the men. They don’t like the way these men “get off” on total strangers. They despise the men for “cheating” on their spouses and significant others.
And their only goal is to get as much money as they possibly can by keeping each man aroused and coming back for more.

The man who frequents strip clubs is getting his own narcissistic needs met for attention, arousal, stimulation and praise. He is actually depriving himself of the opportunity for true intimacy, closeness, communication and unraveling of his deepest childhood fears and insecurities. His wife suffers from that same lack of intimacy.

The solution is for each partner to take responsibility for the demise of their intimacy, to take the bull by the horn, to dig in their heels, to get the sexual counseling they can both benefit from, and to literally start their sexual relationship all over again. Literally, beginning all over, they ought to shake hands and say, “Hi. My name is…. I can offer you something wonderful, make you feel better than you have ever felt before, if you will only spend the time to get to know me….”

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Importance of Christian Sex Counseling Before Marriage

For the young generation, premarital sex is a trend and treated without reserved or respect. Christian sexual intimacy has become a habit rather than an intimate and sacred act between couples. Why the need for Christian sex counseling before marriage? There are people who do not think that premarital counseling is important. If you are serious in your marriage vows, you must undertake counseling in order to be prepared for the road ahead in your married life. One major aspect in a married life is the sexual activity between couple. Christian sex counseling is very important if you want to married life to last a lifetime.

Statistically, the number of divorced couples have considerably grown higher compared to the times when men and women do not hold equal position in the society. Christian sexual intimacy has increased since then and now is just a normal occurrence between two intimate people. When intending to get married, it is imperative that the couples are taught about the important of sexual intimacy and what it can do to affect your relationship. What commonly wrecks a good and happy family in the passing of time? There are so many factors that affect couples life especially during the first stages in their married life.

When you attend a Christian, pre-marital counseling what is usually part of the counseling topics is advising the couple not to have premarital sex. Why is Christian sexual intimacy highly discouraged? This is because once you have had sex already the concept of honey is totally eliminated. Instead of couples spending a quality time exploring and learning each other’s physical attributes, they end up getting bored with each other’s company. Once insightful comment offered by a hotel manager is that, a newly weds before when in their honey would be in their room the whole time enjoying and spending quality time together. However, the current trend is quite different, because most couples would be out in their room finding other companies to keep away boredom felt with each other’s company.

Premarital sex in the Christian sex counseling is the number one killer of marriage. Christian sexual intimacy prior to marriage spoils what you would have had after marriage. Intimacy is just like a battery, once overused it needs replacement. Overcharging causes drain which only buying a new one allows usage again. The same applies with married life. If you have had sex not just once but several times, then expect that you will have run out of attraction and secrets come the time of marriage. If that is the case, you will become among the lists of divorced couples long before you reach even your 10th year anniversary.

It is really very important if you want your marriage to be strong and constantly bonded to attend Christian sexual intimacy or Christian Sex Counseling if you want to have a successful marriage. A long and happy one with respect and love for one another that is what a perfect marriage is.

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Women’s Sexual Health

Some women feel a lot of anxiety about being intimate and having sexual intercourse. This may result in decreased desire, sexual arousal disorder, or erectile dysfunction. It is often helpful to take a step-by-step approach to overcome anxiety. One of the best and mutually satisfying ways to improve your sex life is to focus on the pleasures of touching.

Sensual Massage

One option is to learn how to give and receive a sensual massage. Sensual massage can help you and your partner:
express needs and desires

find out how each likes to touch and be touched

explore new ways to give pleasure

improve your relationship.

An illustrated manual or book can be helpful. Here are some general tips:
Determine who will be the first giver.

Establish whether you and your partner will be clothed or unclothed.

Choose a location where you both will be comfortable.

Dim the lights and play soft music you both enjoy.

Use plenty of pillows or a comforter.

If you wish, use baby oils, scented oils, lotions, or powder.

Tell the giver what feels good and what does not.

Begin with the face. Normally the giver sits and the receiver lies flat on his or her back with the head resting on the giver’s thighs. With the hands well lubricated, the giver begins with the chin, then strokes the cheeks, forehead, and temples.

Explore the face as if you were a blind person meeting your partner for the first time. Then explore the ear lobes, lips, and the nose before returning to massage the temples for complete relaxation. Rest, talk about the experience, and reverse roles.
Massage the rest of the body tenderly and pay attention to your partner’s feelings. Then reverse roles.

Sensate Focus Exercises

Sensate focus exercises were introduced by researchers Masters and Johnson to treat couples with sexual problems. The exercises are divided into 3 steps. Both partners should be comfortable with each step before moving to the next.

Schedule time when you can both be relaxed and comfortable. Partners take turns being the giver and the receiver.
First step: Explore various parts of your partner’s body including the head and neck, chest, belly, back, buttocks, arms, underarms, hands, fingers, legs, feet, and toes. Use different kinds of touch, such as stroking, rubbing, and squeezing. You can also use different kinds of touch with your mouth, such as kissing, nipping with your teeth, or sucking. Limit this stage to parts of the body other than the genitals and breasts.
Second step: Touch, stroke, and explore the sensual responses of the whole body, including the breasts and genitals. The goal is not an erection or orgasm. The goal is to learn what feels good to your partner. At this stage some talk may be helpful.
Third step: Caress and stimulate breasts and genitals. For those couples who wish to proceed to sexual intercourse, you can receive and give orgasm if you choose. It often helps to use a lubricant such as Astroglide or K-Y jelly, especially for the woman’s clitoris and the vaginal opening. Vaseline should not be used as a vaginal lubricant.

Pay attention to just relaxing and enjoying it when you touch each other. Remember that it is possible to have a loving, intimate relationship without sexual intercourse. If you feel that your relationship needs more help, psychotherapy, treatment with medicine, and sexual counseling may be helpful.

Marlene Griffin R.N.

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How Does Sexual Functioning Change As We Age?

Aging leads to changes in bodily appearance and organ functioning, lower levels of pituitary hormones, and a higher incidence of illness, injury, disease and chronic pain involving multiple prescriptions for pharmaceutical medications. These bodily changes, along with emotionally stressful life events, e.g., retirement, empty nest, loss of partner, or caring for elderly parents, may adversely affect sexual functioning.

Women

As women enter menopause, no longer ovulate, and their estrogen, progesterone and testosterone levels drop, many experience decreased desire for and arousal during sexual activity combined with less powerful orgasms or even inability to attain orgasm. Physiologic changes may include:

o decreased lubrication leading to vaginal dryness and pain
o atrophy or expansion of vaginal tissues
o decreased elevation of the uterus
o reduced muscle tension with few orgasmic contractions
o rapid decrease in arousal after orgasm
o reduced spread of sex flush
o decreased sexual desire and arousal

Men

As males age, decreased testosterone and testicular function, lowered sperm count, enlarged prostate, and reduced muscle tension often cause men to require greater stimulation to become aroused, have less frequent and more easily diminished arousal, decreased sensation, less powerful orgasms, and becoming tired or exhausted for some time after orgasm and ejaculation. Physiologic changes include:

o delayed and less firm penile and nipple erection
o longer excitement phase and longer interval until ejaculation
o decreased pre ejaulatory emissions
o diminished lifting of scrotum and testes
o more rapid return to pre arousal state
o shorter ejaculation time with reduced volume and fewer contractions
o shortened phase of impending orgasm and expulsion of semen
o more rapid loss of erection and longer refractory period

How Can Sexual Functioning and Enjoyment Continue Throughout Life?

As we age, there are some gradual declines in the response rate and reactions of many of our bodily organs and tissues. However, our bodies continue to respond to stimulation as long as we are breathing, our brain is functioning normally, and our heart is pumping.
Having a sexual problem is not unlike having any other type of physical or emotional problem. There is a cause, either physiological, psychological, or a combination of both.

Recommendations for Treatment to Overcome Sexual Problem

o Make an appointment with the appropriate medical doctor to have an evaluation of your physiology: hormone levels, blood vessels, blood flow, acute or chronic infections or other diseases. Depending on your gender and what the specific problem is, you may choose to see a gynecologist, urologist, endocrinologist, internist, gastroenterologist, oncologist, etc.

o Make an appointment with the appropriate psychotherapist (preferably someone who is also certified to provide sexual counseling or sex therapy) for evaluation of your psychological, emotional, mental and spiritual state. Depending on what you believe is the primary issue (your relationship, your family situation, your own self image or sexual concerns, your own religious or spiritual conflicts), you may choose to see a Marriage and Family Therapist, a Mental Health Counselor or Professional Counselor, a Social Worker, or a Psychologist.

o If your mental and emotional concerns are severely interfering with your ability to function in your everyday life, you probably should consult with a psychiatrist who can evaluate you and provide appropriate medications to alleviate your overwhelming symptoms. Then, you may be better able to gain insight and the capability of overcoming your problems if you also work with a psychotherapist.

o If you are courageous and really want to overcome a long term physical problem (such as a woman having vaginal pain or vaginnismus), you may choose to see a physical therapist who is trained to work with pelvic floor dysfunctions.

o Work with a body therapist, someone who is trained to alleviate neuromuscular tensions and other body dysfunctions. You may be surprised how many physical problems in distant parts of your body are related to your current sexual problem.

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